Avengers Assemble – Part 2: Iron Man (2008)

Tags

Avengers Assemble, The Avengers

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

AC/DC’s “Back in Black.” Afghanistan. A jeep. Tony Stark, suited and booted, shades on, drink in hand, wise-cracking about banging cover models. Not long after this there’s a scene where Tony comes whizzing into view in his Audi R8, boards his private jet, and the in-flight entertainment is his very own lap-dancing club. This seems to trigger a reflex reaction amongst viewers. Some think, “Cool!” Others think, “Prick!” Instantly there’s a line drawn in the sand. The people who think he’s cool all the way through the film, don’t get it. The people who think he’s a prick all the way through the film, don’t get it. I also think there’s an element of jealousy/envy going on, but we won’t go there. You see, the thing is… he’s supposed to be a wise-cracking prick. It’s the evolution of that wise-cracking prick into something more, something better, that is the crux of the film. The making of the man. Or, as the tagline says…

“Heroes aren’t born. They’re built.”

Tony Stark has inherited his father’s wealth. He’s a genius, a playboy, and yes, he’s also a dickhead. His company, Stark Industries, are a dirty big weapons manufacturer that causes untold misery and destruction throughout the world. Stark doesn’t give a shit because he’s grown to believe his own hype. At an awards ceremony in Las Vegas, that he doesn’t even bother turning up to, a video presentation tells the audience, “Tony Stark. Visionary. Genius. American Patriot…has changed the face of the weapons industry by insuring freedom and protecting America, and her interests, around the globe.”

Soon after, Tony explains his idea of saving the world to a Vanity Fair reporter: “My old man had a philosophy. Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy. My Father helped defeat the Nazis. He worked on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people, including your professors at Brown, would call that being a hero.” I can’t remember the name of the Vanity Fair reporter; mind you, neither does Tony after he bangs her.

Tony’s life-changing moment comes when he’s taken hostage by terrorists in Afghanistan. Just before his capture he’s in a jeep with some US soldiers and as he’s getting his photo taken with one of them he quips, “I don’t wanna see this on your MySpace page.” MySpace?! People say life’s too short; this film was made only four years ago but it seems like an eternity since anyone last mentioned being on MySpace. While Tony’s getting his photo taken he also makes fun of a solidier making a peace sign, saying, “Yeah, peace. I love peace. I’d be out of a job with peace.” Seconds later the jeep is ambushed by the Ten Rings terrorist group (a nice nod to Iron Man’s comic-book archenemy, The Mandarin). Stark escapes the jeep and is crouched behind a rock when a missile lands near him. On the missile it says, “Stark Industries.” Karma doesn’t bite him in the ass, though, it fires shrapnel into his chest leaving him critically wounded. Tony is captured and taken to a cave where fellow captive Dr. Yinsen (Shaun Toub) saves his life by attaching an electromagnet to his chest. The hostages want Stark to build a Jericho missile for them but he’s having none of it and, instead, with the help of Dr. Yinsen, builds an iron suit (Mark 1) powered by an arc reactor (the fictional God of batteries). They say the clothes maketh the man and that’s what happens to Tony as he bursts from the cave with the suit on, like some sort of resurrected Terminator Jesus. After being blasted by a hail of gunfire, he growls, “My turn!” and shoots flames at the terrorists, and their weapons stash, before flying up through an explosion and into the sky.

The action throughout the whole film is majestically done. Smooth, crisp, clean sequences that look utterly fantastic in HD. Iron Man’s voice, unlike the Bat’s, is perfect. Some of the flying sequences, although far more technically advanced, reminded me of The Rocketeer (1991). It generally feels right and, at some points, is just downright fucking awe-inspiring.

The comedy throughout is clever and never feels too corny or crammed in just for the sake of it, as is displayed when the Vanity Fair reporter (still can’t remember her name) wakes up in Tony’s home only to be told by Pepper Potts that her clothes are ready and there’s a car waiting outside to take her anywhere she wants. Miss Vanity Fair (I dunno?!) says, “After all these years, Tony still has you picking up the dry cleaning.” Pepper responds, “I do anything and everything that Mr. Stark requires. Including, occasionally, taking out the trash.” ZING!!!! Another funny scene is when Tony arrives at an event and a woman says to him, “”Hey, Tony. Remember me?” Tony replies, “Sure don’t.” This is quickly followed up by my favourite Stan Lee cameo in any of the Marvel movies. “You look great, Heff,” Tony says as he taps Stan on the shoulder. Stan just turns round with this hilarious, vacant look on his face. Brilliant.

Gwyneth Paltrow plays Pepper Potts to perfection. Pepper is 100% loyal to Tony Stark and there are some genuinely touching moments between the two. When Tony arrives back in the US after his three months in captivity, Pepper is waiting on the runway for him. Tony says to her, “Your eyes are red. Few tears for your long lost boss?” At no point does any of this “relationship” feel false. There’s a great chemistry between the two and although they come close, they never actually kiss. This, for me, was an astonishingly refreshing development. The easy, and cheesy, way to go would’ve been the slow build-up to an eventual last scene smooch or some other overly sentimental catastrophe, but it never happens. Kudos to Mr. Favreau and the writers.

There’s one scene that I thought was especially touching. Tony asks Pepper to pull a wire out of his chest and Pepper says, “You know, I don’t think that I’m qualified to do this.” Tony replies, “You are the most capable, qualified, trustworthy person I’ve ever met.” On paper it may seem like any other crappy line but on screen it seemed heartfelt and genuine. Afterwards Pepper says, “Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ask me to do anything like that ever again.” Tony replies, “I don’t have anyone but you.” Good quality acting and great chemistry.

The whole sequence where Tony is working on the suit works well. Instead of a quick montage we get to see a relatively slow process. The music, which is top class throughout, builds gently as we get closer to seeing Iron Man’s shiny new getup. It gives you time to take it all in and bask in the awesomeness, unlike, for example, the Transformers movies where there’s far, far too much going on at any given time to take in anything. After the slow build up, the lights switch on in Iron Man’s eyes and he blasts into a superb, seamless flight scene. Great stuff.

As he builds the suit, the building blocks of his new future begin to take shape. He no longer wishes to wear the manacles of the Merchant of Death. His new outlook is made abundantly clear when he says, “I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them.” He’s slowly, but surely, awakening from his selfish slumber. Thankfully though, there’s no false-feeling tectonic shift. Robert Downey, Jr, explains:

“What I usually hate about these [superhero] movies [is] when suddenly the guy that you were digging turns into Dudley Do-Right, and then you’re supposed to buy into all his ‘Let’s go do some good!’ That Eliot Ness-in-a-cape-type thing. What was really important to me was to not have him change so much that he’s unrecognizable. When someone used to be a schmuck and they’re not anymore, hopefully they still have a sense of humor.”

In the end, the new Tony Stark is faced with an old friend that becomes his greatest foe. Obadiah Stane (played by the legendary Jeff Bridges) wants Stark, and his newfound heroism, wiped off the face of the earth, so he has his own suit made and becomes the Iron Monger. The build-up to the climactic collision between Iron Man and the Iron Monger includes a scene where Rhodey (Terrence Howard) sees Stark in the Iron Man suit and exclaims, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.” He’s not far wrong; it’s all kinds of cool. At the end of this scene Tony blasts one of his prized cars out of the way and takes off. His materialism is now quite obviously of much less significance to him; he’s a changing man.

As Obadiah Stane takes up the mantle of the Iron Monger he becomes an awesome mechanical monstrosity that, fondly, reminded me of ED-209 in the way that it moved. In a menacing voice he says to Pepper Potts, “Your services are no longer required.” This again reminded me of ED-209 and the famous line: “You have twenty seconds to comply.” A battle across the skies takes place and, obviously, Iron Man wins out. What a memorable ride it is, though. Truly epic.

Robert Downey, Jr’s performance has came in for criticism, in some quarters, with people saying that he’s just playing himself. Who has Jack Nicholson been playing for the last fifty years? There’s a myriad of good acting performances down the years where the actor is ‘just’ playing an accentuated version of themselves. His performance is more than sound; as is the rest of what is, in my opinion, a quality cast.

In 2008, Iron Man was selected by Empire magazine as one of The 500 Greatest Movies of All Time. It was also one of The American Film Institute‘s picks for the ten best films of 2008. I wouldn’t dream of arguing with this. I actually hovered on the thought of giving it a rating of 9/10, but then we’re entering Superman: The Movie (1978) and The Dark Knight (2008) territory, and it’s not quite there. It is, however, (in my opinion) the best Marvel movie ever made, and The Avengers (2012) will have to go some to beat it.

“I’m just not the hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects. The mistakes I’ve made. Largely public. The truth is… I am Iron Man.” 8/10.

Avengers Assemble – Part 1: Captain America and the Bib Fortuna Three-way.

Tags

Avengers Assemble, The Avengers

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

Captain America was my second favourite superhero when I was a kid. The other boy in blue, Superman, was always number one. I used to while away endless hours playing with my action figures. DC and Marvel characters would mix freely with Star Wars figures in my own little made-up universe. Solo was usually found giving smart-ass comments to Princess Leia but, sadly, when the cat’s away the mice will play; and play Leia did. While Solo was off helping to save the galaxy, Leia was putting herself about like some sort of intergalactic hooker. She had a torrid two-hour affair with Captain America and was seen on numerous occasions flying around the rabbit hutch with Superman. Don’t worry, Superman didn’t get her pregnant and then fuck off for five years. That’s just preposterous.

Also, rumours of a three-way between Leia, Bib Fortuna and a bald, one-legged Barbie doll are nothing more than vicious lies spread by a mouthy protocol droid. C-3PO’s shiny severed limbs were sent to the four corners of the garden as a warning to the rest of the little plastic bastards to keep their goddamn mouths shut. Anyway, I digress…

The first fifty minutes of Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) are excellent. The look and feel of it all seems just right. We have skinny wee Steve Rogers, riddled with ailments, trying, continually failing and then finally succeeding enlisting in the army. We see him standing up to a bully, pulling a clever trick with the flag pole at army training, and in one act of immense bravery, jumping on a grenade. There’s the expo with the introduction of Howard Stark, where Rogers offers a girl sweets and is given the dirty look of a dirty mare that I’m quite sure would be only too eager to munch his sweets, and more, when he becomes Captain America. We also have what is, for me, the best part of the film when Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci) is dying and he points at Steve Rogers’ heart. A genuinely touching moment that elevates the film, for a few seconds, to something more than it is. There’s also the scene with the Red Skull having his portrait done. Cleverly, we don’t get to see the Red Skull or the painting. The look of nervous horror on the artist’s face is all we need to see. Good quality filmmaking!

The dawning realisation when the Nazi’s realise the Red Skull’s maniacal plan is also done quite well. “Berlin is on this map!” says one of the henchmen as the Red Skull blasts them into oblivion with his laser-cannon. The shift from “Hail, Hitler!” to “Hail, Hydra!” is fairly momentous.

We also see Steve Rogers chasing down a Hydra agent, during which he is seen holding a taxicab door with a star on it. Nicely done. Instead of going off to fight, Steve Rogers is left with little choice but to join the campaign for Defence Bonds. Here we see a stirring montage with kids reading Captain America comics, Cap starring in black & white war propaganda movies, signing autographs and one moment where a beautiful woman smiles at him and he realises he’s no longer that skinny little kid that was bullied. The montage ends with rousing zeal, fireworks and then… Well, then, unfortunately, the shit hits the fan.

From now on the film is riddled with an endless barrage of shitty lines. I can’t be arsed going through them all so I’ll randomly list some of the ones that irked me in particular.

The Wall of Cheese:

Peggy, “You’re late.” This is said to Cap when he returns to camp with the four-hundred hostages, and is repeated later after Peggy morphs into T-X and rescues Cap from a bit of bother. Cap turns to her and says, “You’re late.” This old ‘reverse and repeat’ banjo trick is used more than once in the film (“the right partner”) and in the tired fashion of a couple of screenwriters that have, perhaps, spent a little too much time in Narnia.

“I’m a Captain.” – Reminded me of, “I am not an animal, I am a human being.” But not in a good way.

“Who the hell are you supposed to be?” “I’m Captain America.” – Glad he told us. Up to that point I could have sworn he was the Human Torch.

“Wait. Do you know what you’re doing?” “I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times.” – I knew that was coming. I fucking knew it! I still quivered in disgust, though, when it did come. Ugh.

Stan Lee, “I thought he’d be taller.” No need for this. Stan Lee’s cameo looks like it was crammed in as an afterthought. It’s done far better in X-Men: The Last Stand, Spider-Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, and ,especially, X-Men, Iron Man (Hugh Hefner – see above!) and Iron Man 2 (Larry King).

“Let’s hear it for Captain America!” Nah, let’s not. Let’s just leave it, eh?

Bucky (Sebastian Stan), “You’re keeping the outfit, right?” Cap, “You know what? It’s kinda growin’ on me.” I think this could have been done a lot better. Cap – who is supposed to be a humble, unexpected hero – should have said something along the lines of being too embarrassed to wear the suit because it makes him different from everyone else; something about just wanting to fit in. Then Bucky (or someone else) could have given him a speech that convinced him to wear it, telling Cap that it’s inspirational and an icon of the cause. Actually, forget it. No doubt they’d have fucked that up, as well.

Cap, “I can do this all day.” Red Skull, “Of course you can but unfortunately I am on a tight schedule.” Cap, “So am I.” So am I? SO… AM… I?! Honestly, at this point I was just laughing in disbelief.

This next part is by far the worst part of the film. The Connect Four of corny bullshit; four pieces of shocking dialogue in a row!

Falsworth, “Let’s get going because they’re moving like the Devil.”

Cap, “We’ve only got about a ten second window. You miss that window… we’re bugs on a windshield.”

Falsworth, “Mind the gap.”

Dugan, “Better get moving, bugs.”

Shakespeare is alive and well, and scribing for Marvel.

Soon after that craptastic catastrophe, Cap and Bucky are hanging off the side of a speeding train and Cap shouts, “Hang on!” Now they’re just taking the piss, right? Why on earth would you include that? If in doubt, LEAVE IT OUT!

There’s one line where the Red Skull says to Cap, “Captain America. I’m a big fan of your films.” This is an acceptable level of comic-book style cheese, in my opinion, and also pretty damn funny. This is during the scene where Dr. Arnim Zola (Toby Jones) pushes a button that pulls the footbridge back with Cap and the Red Skull on either side. This whole segment was shaping up nicely ‘til the Red Skull pulled off his mask and Cap’s friend said, “You don’t have one of those, do you?” What the fuck are you even talking about?! Pointless. As they start to run away Cap says, “Let’s go.” Again, fuck off, no need whatsoever.

There’s a scene that’s supposed to be rousing and heroic with the returning hero marching into camp with the four-hundred hostages he’s just saved. It’s not rousing in the slightest. Part of the problem is the music, which is shit. The vast majority of the music in the film just doesn’t seem to fit with what’s on screen.

The scenes with Cap on the motorbike are done pretty well and are relatively exciting. The fight scenes, however, are a rickety and amateurish mess. The editing of the action sequences is, on the whole, dodgy as fuck. There are two or three cool action sequences, but these can be seen in the trailer. Once again a trailer shows some of the best parts of the film. Instead of sitting saying, “Wow! Check that out!” you’re left saying, “That bit was in the trailer.” There’s a deep-rooted problem in the production of movie trailers, but that’s for another day.

Chris Evans does as well as he can with what he’s given. Hugo Weaving does a fine job as Johann Schmidt as Werner Herzog as the Red Skull. Dominic Cooper is fine as Howard Stark.  In fact, the whole cast seems to be fine. They’re all just let down, to varying degrees, by the script/screenplay; or lack thereof. My favourite performance in the film is undoubtedly Stanley Tucci as Dr. Abraham Erskine. He seems to have the only part that was written with any sort of love and care. Admittedly, he does have the advantage of dying just before the film begins to perish. There is one particularly bad bit of acting by Hayley Atwell, but I think, again, it’s probably more to do with the dialogue than Miss Atwell’s acting ability. Benefit of the doubt, and all that nonsense.

The part I’m referring to is near the end when Cap is moments away from taking the plane down and he says, “Peggy, I’m gonna need a rain check on that dance.” He’s sacrificing himself for the greater good. This should’ve been touching and epic but it just falls completely flat; due in no small part to Peggy’s response. “Steve. Steve. Steve,” she pathetically slevers. Just after this, Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) looks at her and then walks away with his head down. To be honest, I think Tommy had just had enough.

The Times Square scene at the end was looking promising, until this…

Nick Fury, “You gonna be ok?”

Cap, “Yeah. Yeah, I just. I had a date.”

Gimme a fuckin’ break.

All in all, it’s not a bad effort and, as I said, the first fifty minutes are, in my opinion, excellent. It’s just a shame that the seventy-four minutes after that are a disastrous deluge of diabolical dialogue.

“So, what made you so special?” “Nothing. I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.” 6/10.

Stoned Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Tags

The Twilight Zone

This is a short (very short!) teleplay that I wrote as part of a write-off with @mrfilmlover and @Cinevolver. A couple of weeks ago we set ourselves a deadline of Friday, April 6^th and the only rule was that it had to be based on @rebelreemi’s tweet.

This is the tweet…

“My neighbor’s Maserati got stolen at 4 in the morning.  I saw the whole thing. Can’t say shit cause I was on the roof getting high.”

And, this is my wee story based on that tweet…

THE TWITTER ZONE

“Stoned Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”

OPENING CREDITS – VOICEOVER

“There is a seventh dimension beyond that which is known to humans. It is a dimension as colorful as the most radiant rainbow, and as timeless as a craftily-carved cuckoo clock. It is the middle ground between pen and paper. This is a dimension of imagination. It is an area that might be called… The Twitter Zone.”

Camera pans down from a little tweeting bird on a tall tree and closes in on the roof of a house in suburbia, where we see a young woman in her twenties.

NARRATOR’S VOICE

“A pretty suburban girl sits on the roof of a pretty normal suburban house, surrounded by a pretty picket fence in a pretty ordinary suburb; smoking, what looks like, a pretty good joint. What this girl doesn’t realise is that her mind is about to be altered; not necessarily by the drugs, but by a timely venture into… The Twitter Zone.”

We watch as Reemi takes a long satisfying draw of her joint. Just as she’s about to take another draw she sees a strange man breaking into her neighbour’s black Maserati. As she sits frozen to the spot, the man enters the car and speeds away.

Reemi

“Oh, shit! I can’t tell anyone. If Mom and Dad find out I was up here getting stoned, they’ll flip!”

She sits shaking, rocking to and fro for a few minutes, before making a decision.

Reemi

“Fuck it! I need to tell them. That car is worth a fortune!”

Reemi climbs down from the roof and enters the front door of her house.

“What’s up, Doc?”

Reemi

“What?!”

Bugs Bunny

“I said, ‘What’s up, Doc?’”

Reemi

“Y… You’re a cartoon! You can’t be real!”

Bugs Bunny

“I’m just as real as you are, Doc.”

Reemi

“Then I must be dreaming. That’s it, I’m dreaming.”

Bugs Bunny

“I’m flattered, Doc. I truly am. Best not tell Lola I’ve been appearing in another girl’s dreams, though, or it’ll be carrot Cup-a-soups for a month.”

Reemi

“Great. Now I’m talking to fucking Bugs Bunny. I don’t think this night could get any worse. Where’s my Mom and Dad?”

Bugs Bunny

“Eh… no need for the profanities, Doc.”

Reemi

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry. You’d swear, too, if you were in my position.”

Bugs Bunny

“Eh… basketball, Doc? What position?”

Reemi

“What?! No, not basketball! Nevermind.”

Bugs Bunny

“Nevermind? Ehhh… Nirvana, Doc?”

Reemi

“Jesus Christ! No, not Nirvana! Forget it!”

Bugs Bunny

“Quite hard to forget, Doc. Poor guy shot himself in the head.”

Reemi

“Yeah, well, he probably met you that day.”

Bugs Bunny

“Never met me, Doc. I was here.”

Reemi

“Anyway, what the hell is going on? I can’t believe I’m asking this but why does my house look like it’s in a black & white cartoon?!”

Bugs Bunny

“Eh… looks color to me. You might wanna take your sunglasses off, Doc. You’re not in Kansas, anymore.”

Reemi takes her sunglasses off.

Reemi

“Oh…”

Reemi rubs her eyes but barely has time to take in her surroundings before…

“BEEP BEEP!!”

Reemi

“Oh, don’t tell me… Roadrunner?”

Bugs Bunny

“Sure is, Doc! Better move out the way, he’s in something of a hurry!”

Reemi

“He’s always in a hurry. That damn coyote will be chasing him, no doubt.”

Wile E. Coyote comes strolling over, folds out a door in-front of Reemi and knocks.

Reemi opens the door.

Wile E. Coyote

“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is, Wile E. Coyote.”

Wile E. Coyote hands Reemi his business card.

Wile E. Coyote

“I’m not selling anything, nor am I a Jehovah’s Witness. So, let’s get down to brass tacks. You are a human in need of help and I’m going to solve all your problems by eating you. There’s no point in trying to run away. I am ripped like The Rock, more cunning than Columbo, and faster than Usain Bolt. And, I’m a genius, while you could hardly read the instructions on a box of cereal. So, I’ll give you the customary two minutes to say your prayers.”

Bugs Bunny steps in.

Bugs Bunny

“I’m sorry, Mac. The lady of the house ain’t for eating and besides we mailed you people a check last week.”

Bugs slams the door shut.

Wile E. Coyote folds up the door and walks away, humming a tune.

Reemi

“Was he really going to eat me?”

Bugs Bunny

“Nah, don’t think so, Doc. He only eats pretty birds.”

Reemi

“Cheeky rat! I’m pretty!”

Bugs Bunny

“Maybe out there you are, Doc. We old school toons tend to think 3D is pretty darn ugly.”

CUT TO: Wile E. Coyote writing/drawing a comic book.

Wile E. Coyote

“Genius! That’s what it is, sheer genius!”

Wile E. Coyote wanders back into the house and approaches Reemi.

Wile E. Coyote

“I have decided to use my genius to help you in other ways, my dear.”

Reemi

“Help me? Why do I need help?”

Wile E. Coyote

“Well, it may be obtuse of me to state the obvious but you are talking to a couple of cartoons in a cartoon world.”

Reemi

“Oh… yeah. Well, can’t I just open the door and go outside?”

Wile E. Coyote

“Ah, that would seem the obvious thing to do but you see in order to leave this cartoon predicament you currently find yourself in you would have to leave hand in hand with a cartoon character.”

Reemi

“Well, can’t one of you come with me?”

Reemi, eyes wide open and looking hopeful, turns to Bugs Bunny.

Reemi

“Bugs?”

Bugs Bunny

“Well, Doc, you see, it’s not as easy as that. It’s raining outside that door and we toons don’t last too long in the rain.”

Reemi

“I thought you were all drawn on computers and stuff now?”

Bugs Bunny

“Yeah, you ever spilled water on your PC, Mac?”

Reemi

“Oh… yeah. Figures.”

Reemi sighs, then turns to Wile E. Coyote.

Reemi

“Ok, so how are you going to help me?”

Wile E. Coyote

“A wise decision, my friend. You have just saved yourself from a melody of mirth worse than the microwave. First of all you will need to read this comic.”

Wile E. Coyote hands Reemi a comic book titled, “ACME HELP 101.”

Reemi

“I haven’t read comics since I was a kid.”

Wile E. Coyote covers his ears as his eyes bulge out.

Wile E. Coyote

“That’s just too sad to hear, my dear. People of all ages should read comics. Anyway, it’s what you need. You also need to read it in this room over here for it to have the desired effect.”

Wile E. Coyote and Bugs Bunny take Reemi over to a big red door. On the door in big bold yellow letters is, “ROOM OF DOOM!”

Reemi

“The room of doom?! You must think I’m crazy?”

Bugs Bunny has a quick chew of his carrot.

Bugs Bunny

“Crazy is as crazy does!”

Reemi

“Whatever. There’s no way I’m going in there.”

Wile E. Coyote

“Come, come, my dear. Nothing to worry about. I’ll go in first to show you how safe it is.”

Wile E. Coyote opens the door, and…

“BEEP! BEEP!!”

Reemi

“That was outside. Can’t I just go out through that door?”

Bugs Bunny

“You’d still be in a cartoon, Doc. I wouldn’t advise it, anyway, there’s at least a 200ft drop there.”

Wile E. Coyote

“Yes… there is.”

Reemi turns to Wile E. Coyote, looking concerned…

Reemi

 “Are you ok?”

Wile E. Coyote

“I’m fine, my dear. It seems I chose the wrong door at the wrong time. One of the many pitfalls of being here for the endless entertainment of your species. Come along, it must be the next door up.”

Bugs, Wile E. and Reemi walk over to another big red door. On the door in big bold yellow letters is, “ACTUAL ROOM OF DOOM!”

Wile E. Coyote nervously opens the door. Inside there is a table and chair.

Wile E. Coyote

“Phew! Ah, yes. This is the one. Ok, in you go. Bugs and I will be out here to catch you if you fall.”

Reemi walks in alone and closes the door.

Bugs Bunny

“The ROOM OF DOOM! Seriously, Doc, is that the best you could come up with?”

Wile E. Coyote

“Shut it, rabbit! I’m still hungry.”

CUT TO: Reemi sitting reading the comic book. As she turns the pages, the stark reality of her situation starts to slowly and painfully unfold. The comic illustrates the day – exactly one year ago at 4am – when she and her parents were involved in a car crash in which she survived, but both her parents died.

The car they had a head-on collision with that dark, fateful day was a black Maserati.

As she reaches the end, a solitary tear drips onto the page and smudges the comic. As more and more tears begin to fall, the cartoon world begins to fade away until nothing is left. Nothing but reality…

The Iron Lady (2011) (aka Evil Never Dies)

Tags

Evil, Horror, Margaret Thatcher, Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady, Tories, Tory

The Iron Lady (2011) – aka Evil Never Dies, aka Der Golem, aka The Monster, aka Island of Lost Souls, aka Nosferatu, aka The Dark Eyes of London, aka The Devil’s Daughter, aka The Devil Bat, aka The Devil Commands, aka The Mad Monster, aka The Mad Ghoul, aka The Undying Monster, aka The Uninvited, aka The Beast with Five Fingers, aka She-Wolf of London, aka The Thing from Another World, aka The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, aka The Creature from the Black Lagoon, aka The Beast with a Million Eyes, aka It Came from Beneath the Sea, aka The Creature Walks Among Us, aka The She-Creature, aka Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, aka The Deadly Mantis, aka The Monster that Challenged the World, aka Night of the Demon, aka The Undead, aka The Astounding She Monster, aka Corridors of Blood, aka Fiend Without a Face, aka Night of the Blood Beast, aka The Screaming Skull, aka The Thing That Couldn’t Die, aka The Hideous Sun Demon, aka The Wasp Woman, aka The Leech Woman, aka Psycho, aka The Witch’s Curse, aka The Beast of Yucca Flats, aka Creature from the Haunted Sea, aka The Curse of the Crying Woman, aka Homicidal, aka The Cabinet of Caligari, aka Carnival of Souls, aka The Sadistic Baron Von Klaus, aka Tales of Terror, aka The Blancheville Monster, aka Blood Feast, aka The Long Hair of Death, aka The Terror, aka Castle of Blood, aka Cave of the Living Dead, aka The Curse of the Living Corpse, aka Devil Doll, aka I Eat Your Skin, aka The Monster of London City, aka Monstrosity, aka One Hundred Cries of Terror, aka Die, Monster, Die!, aka Repulsion, aka Carry on Screaming!, aka Chamber of Horrors, aka It!, aka Naked Evil, aka Queen of Blood, aka The Reptile, aka The She Beast, aka The Vulture, aka Berserk!, aka Creature of Destruction, aka Eye of the Devil, aka The Frozen Dead, aka Maneater of Hydra, aka She Freak, aka Succubus, aka The Devil Rides Out, aka The Mad Doctor of Blood Island, aka Queen of the Vampires, aka Snake Woman’s Curse, aka Blind Beast, aka It’s Alive!, aka Night of Bloody Horror, aka The Beast in the Cellar, aka Blood on Satan’s Claw, aka Bloodthirsty Butchers, aka Cry of the Banshee, aka Mark of the Devil, aka Beast of the Yellow Night, aka The Black Belly of the Tarantula, aka The Devil’s Widow, aka Hands of the Ripper, aka The House That Dripped Blood, aka I Drink Your Blood, aka I, Monster, aka The Mad Butcher, aka Queens of Evil, aka The Sadist With Red Teeth, aka Scream of the Demon Lover, aka She Killed in Ecstasy, aka Venom, aka Asylum of Satan, aka Blood Orgy of the She Devils, aka Daughters of Satan, aka The Deathmaster, aka The Fiend, aka Hunchback of the Rue Morgue, aka The Mansion of Madness, aka Night of the Cobra Woman, aka Superbeast, aka Tower of Evil, aka Messiah of Evil, aka A Name for Evil, aka Satan’s School for Girls, aka The Antichrist, aka The Beast Must Die, aka Deranged, aka Evil Face, aka Nude for Satan, aka The Bediviled, aka Criminally Insane, aka House of Mortal Sin, aka Lips of Blood, aka Bloodlust, aka Blood Sucking Freaks, aka Death Machines, aka The Legend of the Wolf Woman, aka To the Devil a Daughter, aka Track of the Moonbeast, aka The Grapes of Death, aka The Anthropophagus Beast, aka Beyond Evil, aka Maniac!, aka Dark Night of the Scarecrow, aka Demonoid, aka The Evil Dead, aka The Howling, aka Jaws of Satan, aka Alone in the Dark, aka The Beast Within, aka Dogs of Hell, aka Season of the Witch, aka Satan’s Mistress, aka The Thing, aka Unhinged, aka Cujo, aka Eyes of Fire, aka Something Wicked This Way Comes, aka The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II, aka The Sea Serpent, aka The Mutilator, aka The Abomination, aka Dark Age, aka Murderlust, aka Cannibal Hookers, aka Forever Evil, aka Grotesque, aka Hellraiser, aka Lucifer, aka Twisted Nightmare, aka Not of This Earth, aka 976-EVIL, aka Black Past, aka Hellgate, aka The Suckling, aka Bride of Re-Animator, aka Daughter of Darkness, aka Frankenhooker, aka Misery, aka Speak of the Devil, aka Innocent blood, aka Winterbeast, aka Death Machine, aka Huntress: Spirit of the Night, aka Addicted to Murder, aka The Day of the Beast, aka Serpent’s Lair, aka Mimic, aka The Relic, aka Bride of Chucky, aka I, zombie: The Chronicles of Pain, aka Lycanthrope, aka How to Make a Monster, aka She Creature, aka Hunting Humans, aka The Bone Snatcher, aka Flesh for the Beast, aka Adam and Evil, aka Evil Remains, aka Cold and Dark, aka The Abandoned, aka The Damned, aka The Host, aka Eye of the Beast, aka Prey for the Beast, aka Attitude for Destruction, aka Beast Within, aka The Carver, aka Monster, aka All About Evil, aka The Bleeding, aka Drag Me to Hell, aka Heartless, aka Hellhounds, aka Rise of the Gargoyles, aka The Devil Inside.

Internet rumours of a sequel, filmed mostly in Scotland, Wales and the North of England, titled… We’re Having a Party When Thatcher Dies (aka I Spit on Your Grave) are, as yet, unfounded. 2/10

p.s. The 2/10 is for Meryl Streep’s realistic portrayal of evil.

Bucky Larson and The Curious Case of Robert De Niro’s Erection.

Tags

Adam Sandler, Bucky Larson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson, Nick Swardson, Robert De Niro, Stephen Dorff, Worst Film Ever

This is the worst film I have ever seen in my life. I defy anyone to watch it and then suggest something worse. It’s unimaginable to me that there is anything anywhere near as bad as this in existence.

Whilst watching it, I half-convinced myself that it must be some kind of inside joke in Hollywood. That maybe Adam Sandler and his hideous hive of Happy Madison morons had thought up a devious ploy of putting the worst imaginable shit on screen then seeing if people would pay for it. I’ve often thought of Avatar (2009) in the same vein, but obviously to a lesser extent. Throw glittery, effects-laden platitudes at ‘some‘ people and they’ll sit there entranced in a zombified state of pleasant placidity. This, I can sort of begin to understand. Still, why not add some sort of cohesive, semi-intelligent story to the effects? Crazy thought, eh?

I also thought the same of Robbie Williams. If you’re from a part of the world that, thankfully, hasn’t suffered this brazen beacon of bullshit then just think Justin Bieber or any other of the countless examples in this myriad of mediocrity. It could, admittedly, be something lacking in myself but I can’t bring myself to understand why people would want to listen to his ‘music’. The tipping point for me with his ‘music’ was the song, “Rudebox”. I still think to this day that he’s going to announce that it was all a big prank on the general public to see if they’d buy his stuff just because he was singing it. The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about, but I’ll try…

Somewhere in his head he thought that the song would entertain people? Or, he thought it was clever or some sort of ground-breaking step forward for music as we know it? I don’t believe any of this for a second so I’ll just continue to think he’s a talentless fuckstick that was lucky enough to live in a generation where a scary majority of people will watch, read or listen to any old fucking shit that’s branded, given a price-tag and placed in-front of their eyes (wide shut!). He could sing “Baa Baa Black Sheep” with Alvin and the Chipmunks and it’d sell a million copies. This is the age we live in.

At least with Avatar it’s only the horrifying behemoth that is 3D that’s catapulted at our eyeballs. In Bucky Larson, it’s something altogether even more disgusting that’s projected at us. Remember the scene in There’s Something About Mary with the stuff in Cameron Diaz’s hair? Well, it seems since the release of that film, in 1998, we’ve degenerated even further. We’re now at the point where a ‘comedy’ involves a man exploding his junk everywhere, including (I kid you not) an old lady’s cardigan. Is this what we’ve become as a species? Is this funny? Are there actually people out there that find this sort of thing amusing? I’d be grateful if someone could leave a comment explaining to me how or why this is funny but I fear the sort of person that would be amused by this wouldn’t be able to string a coherent sentence together in their own language. It’d probably look something like this… “LOLZ!! Bky 4eva!!! LMFAO!!!!” Deary me.

Apart from the repulsive and downright offensive nature of this film, there are also the people who chose to appear in it. I was shocked to see Don Johnson, Stephen Dorff and Christina Ricci taking part in this despicable abomination. I know they haven’t had the best of careers but they’ve all still shown glimmers of talent in some of their work. Surely money isn’t a problem; or is it? Why would they choose to appear in such a film? Where in their head did they think this was a good idea? I realise most people reading this will be thinking, “It’s obviously for the money!” but that’s not a good enough explanation, in my opinion. You live and die by the choices you make and money should not be the overriding factor when choosing a role. I know, I’m living in fantasy land but I refuse to believe there wasn’t an option here; a viable alternative. There must have been other roles out there for them that commanded the same salary. Even if there wasn’t, it’s not as if they’re living below the poverty line. There’s no way they’re struggling to put food on the table so, in essence, they willingly made the choice to be part of this catastrophe.

Choosing to take part in a film like this can only result in something I like to call ‘Robert De Niro’s Erection’. The man that has blazed a trail of utter brilliance throughout a mesmerising career of undoubted magnitude is now seen standing in-front of an audience of families (12A) with a fucking erection. Let’s think about this for a second. The man that is considered by most to be one of the greatest actors of all-time, the man that starred in legendary films such as The Godfather II (1974), Taxi Driver (1976), The Deer Hunter (1978), Raging Bull (1980), The King of Comedy (1983) and Goodfellas (1990) has reduced himself to appearing in the circus tent that is Little Fockers (2010) with a god-damn fucking hard-on. Career over! He’ll go on to make more films and may even show glimpses of past glories but that one attempt at a cheap laugh is now indelibly embedded in his legacy.

Not only is De Niro getting hard for money, Al Pacino has also thought it’d be a good idea to completely extinguish the flame of his noteworthy existence. Mr Pacino, the man that entranced us in the likes of The Godfather (1972), Serpico (1973), The Godfather II (1974), Dog Day Afternoon (1975), Scarface (1983), Glengarry Glen Ross (1992), Carlito’s Way (1993), and Donnie Brasco (1997) has somehow came to the conclusion it would be a good idea to appear in an Adam Sandler film. That film, Jack and Jill (2011), is the final dick in Pacino’s coffin. He has now voluntarily become party to the irreversible fate known as ‘Robert De Niro’s Erection’. I think you’ll agree… a sad end to a wonderful career.

Every single person, from the tea-boy to the top of the tree, that was involved in Bucky Larson should be ashamed at what they have become. During the film they even manage to spit on the graves of the great Charlie Chaplin and Sergio Leone. The despicable temerity and lack of respect the makers of this atrocity display is degrading to humankind. I’m positive that one day people will look back on things like Bucky Larson and let out a little squeak of horrified laughter in absolute bemusement at the depths we, as a species, had sank.

In one scene during the film, Stephen Dorff asks, “Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone?”

No, Stephen, you’re in the worst film ever made and you have a rigid, Viagra-fuelled case of ‘Robert De Niro’s Erection’.

MINUS INFINITY/10.

DEFCON 2: The Spoiler Epidemic.

Tags

Charlie Brooker, Defcon, Moviegoers Code of Conduct, Spoiler Alert, Spoilers

“I’M AS MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!”

The defence readiness condition (DEFCON) used by the United States Armed Forces is as good a way as any to describe my feelings on the seemingly unstoppable avalanche of photos, ‘inside’ information and spoilers from various sources (including the studios themselves) -

DEFCON 5: The lowest state of readiness – You’re casually watching a trailer for an upcoming film and… BLAM!! It gives away half the film, the funniest part or worse… the twist! Nightmare! Alert posture raised to…

DEFCON 4: Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures – Ok, you’re pretty pissed off about that trailer you watched that gave away far too much so you take the, some might say extreme, measure of not watching ANY trailers ‘til you’ve seen the film. Sorted! Or so you thought. You come across an article on a film you’re interested in and halfway through… KAPOW!! Major Spoiler – Commander of the United Army of Fuck-Your-Fun Fuckwits – without warning, gives you an unwarranted kick in the nuts. (Sorry if that sounds sexist; sexism does my tits in.) What next? I’m afraid it’s the inevitable switch to…

DEFCON 3: Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness – So, no trailers and, after that shoddy article that boiled your blood and left you with sore nuts, no more reading up on films ‘til you’ve seen them. This, on the whole, seems to work. You have the odd lapse and, every once in a while, you click on a link that looks pretty innocent; something which I never fail to regret. Or, you’re at the cinema and you’re lambasted by trailers with seemingly no escape method in sight. The only safe method here is the close your eyes, fingers in your ears, “LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!!” method tested by the top scientists on Earth and perfected by anyone with any sense at a Justin Bieber concert.

Things are looking good. You’ve gone into a few films almost blind to the hullabaloo that surrounded it and came out loving it all the more.  Then, you’re doing a bit of social networking and… THWACK!!!!!!!! There it is. No spoiler alerts, nothing! Streaming past your eyes before you have the chance to do anything is a twist, a turn and another film ruined. It’s like a hideous, unstoppable virus that’s rapidly spreading through the internet.

Everyone wants to be first to show a picture or give you the inside information on what’s going to happen. They want to be able to say, “I got 5,000 hits today on my site!” Listen, nobody gives a flying fuck how many people looked at your site; Kim Kardashian has over 11 million followers on Twitter and gets 100+ retweets for saying she had a fucking banana for breakfast. It means fuck all. Right, this is getting out of control, the last time this was used was during a Soviet missile test in the Pacific in 1989 but, alas, here we go…

DEFCON 2: Next step is nuclear war – I can’t believe this is what it’s came to. Scared to switch your computer on, nervously checking your phone, afraid to go to the cinema, FEARFUL OF A KNOCK ON YOUR BUNKER DOOR!! Ok, maybe that’s taking it a bit too far but you get the point. Before we even think about the consequences of DEFCON 1, let me tell you a story…

When I was 10-years-old my parents went out for the night and left me in the less than capable hands of a babysitter who was far more interested in some shite that was on the TV than something I may or may not have been up to. Anyway, I was up to something; something I regret to this very day.

I crept into my parents’ room and started snooping about under the bed and looking in cupboards, boxes and stuff ’til eventually I found it all. What did I find? My Christmas presents. I found what turned out to be every last one of my Christmas presents. On Christmas Day I gave an Oscar-worthy performance as I feigned surprise and delight at every present I opened:

“Wow! I always wanted that!”

“Ohhh… I can’t believe you got me that! Thanks!!”

I felt empty. It still hurts to this day that I ruined my own Christmas.

I SPOILED IT!

Moving to DEFCON 1 doesn’t bare thinking about so all I’m left with is a heartfelt plea to the better nature of anyone who has ever claimed to love film. You’re killing people’s enjoyment of, in my opinion, the most wonderful artform on the planet.

“Spoilers are infuriating because each one represents a tiny experience that’s just been permanently stolen from you. And I mean “stolen”. When someone blows the ending of a story for you, they’re effectively committing theft.”  ~Charlie Brooker.

p.s. When they dim the lights at the cinema, could you please turn your phone off? It’s only for a couple of hours. Cheers.

For more on this subject read Marc Foster’s fine article (the main inspiration for writing my own) –

The Dark Knight Rises, Why Can’t People Wait? -

http://www.towatchpile.co.uk/2011/12/movie-poster-of-the-day-special-the-dark-knight-rises-why-cant-people-wait/

And finally…

The Moviegoers Code of Conduct (They should show this at every cinema before every movie) -

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/markkermode/2010/12/the_moviegoers_code_of_conduct.html

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Tags

Boxing, Clubber Lang, Hulk Hogan, Ivan Drago, Rocky, Sylvester Stallone

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD…

Rocky Balboa (2006). Right, ok, let’s start at the beginning. Forgive me Father for I have sinned! Sometimes I really disgust myself but, anyway, onto the matter in hand. If your name was Mr Edam and you resided at 3 Cheesy Lane, Cheesetown, Cheeseville, worked in a cheese factory and fell into a massive vat of cheese, you would still be nowhere near as cheesy as this rubble of God-awful shit!

I was seriously overly excited when I heard Stallone was making a new Rocky film. I grew up watching these films and I’ll openly admit to anyone that I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I used to watch them with my brother and straight afterwards he would put on one boxing glove, I’d stick the other one on (there was always a race to get the right hand!) and we would knock the absolute living crap out of each other, soon to be followed by the knockout blow from our Mother for wrecking the living room. Ahhh… those were the days!

It may seem unbelievable to some but the first Rocky movie actually won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1976. The story of a small-time boxer from Philadelphia who was given a shot at the big-time and grabbed it with both…erm…gloves. At the end of the first movie Rocky loses his fight with the Heavyweight Champion, Apollo Crede, but gains the respect of the watching masses and his flamboyant opponent whose first words after the bout are, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch.” Suffice to say, when Hollywood is involved and they spot the potential of a sequel, there quite obviously is “gonna be” a rematch!

The sequel (Rocky II, 1979) wasn’t too shabby at all and saw the southpaw slugger realise his dream of becoming Heavyweight Champ! This led to the immortal slurred words, “Yo, Adrian… I did it!” as he proclaimed his triumph to his wife.

The third film in the saga (Rocky III, 1982) may not be as good a ‘film’ as the first, but it’s without doubt my favourite of the lot. Rocky goes toe-to-toe with Clubber Lang, played by the iconic Mr T, who dishes up my favourite line in any of the films when he propositions Adrian:

“Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you’d like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin’ you had a real man, don’t ya? I’ll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll show you a real man.”

Then there’s this classic from Thunderlips, played by the inimitable Hulk Hogan…

“To all my love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby. The ultimate male versus… the ultimate meatball.”

Due to Rocky’s trainer, Mickey, having a heart-attack just before the fight, and Clubber Lang being the meanest motherfucker on the planet, Rocky gets knocked-the-fuck out! However, the inevitable rematch happens and this time Rocky wins. Surprised? Nah, me neither.

Rocky IV (1985) was a pure and utter rabble-rouser and gave us one of the best soundtracks in the history of mankind interspersed with a good (America, of course!) versus evil (Those pesky Russians!), East versus West, battle of ideologies. Needless to say, Rocky (liberty, freedom, democracy, blah, blah, blah…) wins out in the end and all is well in the garden of hyped hypocrisy. Forget the nonsense you learned in school… Rocky solved the Cold War!

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!”

AMERICA… FUCK YEAH!

Next up was Rocky V (1990). This little ditty is widely regarded as the worst of the franchise. I can’t talk about this ‘film’ without spitting blood, so I won’t.

Right! I’m supposed to be reviewing Rocky Balboa (2006) but, to be honest, there’s not a lot to say. Put it this way –

As I sat there watching, hoping, wrapped-up in the glorious pain of nostalgia, my eyes suddenly started to bleed; I felt nauseous, vehemently disgusted and violently betrayed. As I dipped in and out of some sort of consciousness I had horrendous hallucinations of being tied to a chair and forced to sit through a box-set of Sex and the City. Rocky has retired, he owns a restaurant, he befriends a chick, he fights the undefeated Heavyweight Champion of the World (half his age), gallantly loses and walks out of the ring for, we can only pray, the last time to cheers of, “Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!”

My last words on the matter are Rocky should probably have died at the end to give the legacy some lasting credibility but, instead… part of me died. 3/10.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Uncanny Valley

Tags

CGI, Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg, Tintin, Uncanny Valley

“GREAT SNAKES!!” “BLISTERING BARNACLES!!!” The eyes, the FUCKING EYES!!! A recurring problem with animation that tries to realistically mimic humans is the inevitable trip to the Uncanny Valley! I dip my hat to the, undoubtedly, talented people behind this sort of animation but nothing (yet?) can replicate the human eyes. There never seems to be anything going on behind them – because there isn’t – so we’re left looking at an uneasy void; a shell of a human replica.

The technology at play here, however impressive it may be, is pointless. It seems, to me at least, that just because we have the technology to animate ‘lifelike’ characters, it doesn’t mean that we should feel obliged to do so. There’s a quote from Dr. Ian Malcolm, a character from one of Spielberg’s own classics (Jurassic Park), that sums this up nicely:

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

The film, to its great detriment, focuses far too much on showing off tasty visual treats that after a while left me feeling more than a little queasy. Every second scene seems to start or finish with a reflection in a mirror, a raindrop, a puddle or a pair of glasses. Ok, I get the picture, I seen it the first time; it’s pretty, real pretty, but could you please stop it now and get on with the fucking story?!

Unfortunately, the story is where Tintin falls flat on its ass. It’s weak and it’s dragged along by one of the most boring heroes imaginable. I remember thinking Tintin was boring when I read it as a kid (on the rare occasion that the kind lady in the library told me there were no Asterix books left) and that kid and I are in full agreement today.

I wanted to like it, I really did, but much like the vacuum in Tintin’s eyes… there’s nothing there. 3/10.

Super… HATE?!

Tags

J.J. Abrams, Lens flare, Mad Men, Nostalgia, Steven Spielberg, Super 8

Whilst casually swimming through a school of reviews on Super 8 (2011), I was not only shocked but seriously disheartened by the wanton dismissal of J.J. Abrams’ heartfelt homage to the halcyon days of the Truffle Shuffle.  I will not fall into the obvious trap of saying that these people, “Just don’t get it!”, nor, however tempting, will I name and shame the participants in this epidemic of soulless buffoonery.

Scattered around the debris of these ‘reviews’ are various mentions of Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), E.T. (1982), The Goonies (1985) and even Spielberg himself in less than flattering terms and the word ‘nostalgia’ is banded about like a one-legged hooker that’s lost her skate.  Nostalgia, when used correctly and caressed by a master craftsman, can be absolutely wonderful.  To explain further I’ll now pass you over to Don Draper from the truly magnificent Mad Men.  In an episode from 2007, ‘The Wheel’, Don pitches the Kodak Carousel:

“Nostalgia – it’s delicate, but potent.  Teddy told me that in Greek, ‘nostalgia’ literally means ‘the pain from an old wound.’  It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.  This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine.  It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again.  It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel.  It lets us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.”

For many of us, that place ‘where we know we are loved’ is sitting in-front of an old Spielberg movie, glowing in the mesmerising reflection of sublime cinematic storytelling.

A further disturbance in my psyche whilst reading these unfortunate diatribes was the constant mention of ‘lens flares’ which seems to be the password to a quick laugh in any discussion about Abrams.  In fact, Google search, ‘lens flares Abrams,’ right now and you are guaranteed to see some tired attempt at the defamation of Abrams and his directing style.  During a Star Trek press conference in April, 2009, io9.com questioned Abrams on the reasons why he used so many lens flares.  His answer included the following:

“I know there are certain shots where even I watch and think, ‘Oh that’s ridiculous, that was too many,’ but I love the idea that the future was so bright it couldn’t be contained in the frame.”

I personally adore the use of anamorphic lenses.  I remember a scene during my first viewing of Abrams’ Star Trek when a character simply walked through a door and the light from the cinema screen was almost blinding.  Was I in any way perturbed by this?  No, I was thinking, “Wow!!”  I also remember a similar, “Wow!!” being exclaimed by me as a spellbound kid taking in lens flares for the first time during the glory that is Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  This made me feel more a part of the movie experience than anything the runaway behemoth that is 3D could ever hope to manage.  I agree, Abrams overdid it a little in Star Trek, which he has openly admitted, but it is sparingly and expertly used in Super 8.

Super 8 is fundamentally a movie about a group of kids on the cusp of adulthood.  That time in our lives between pure unadulterated imagination and the consequences of reality.  The young actors all do a fine job in their roles and reminded me of some of the fine performances by kids in the likes of The Goonies (1985), Stand by Me (1986) and later efforts such as Radio Flyer (1992) and meritoriously in The Sandlot (1993).  A wee bit of advice, though – If you’re planning on watching The Sandlot (1993), don’t bother with the sequels as they are markedly more horrific than any creature that Neville Page could ever hope to conceive.

In the July, 2011, edition of Empire Magazine, J.J. Abrams talks of the influence his grandfather, Harry Kelvin, had on his life.  Harry died when Abrams was in college and Abrams pays tribute to his grandfather’s influence on his life by using his name in all of his movies.  ‘It is the USS Kelvin investigating the lightning storm in Star Trek.  In Super 8, Kelvin is the name of the gas station that comes under savage attack.’

“I have this letter that he wrote to me that we found on his desk when he died,” Abrams remembers.  “It just said, ‘Dear J.J.,’ – I’m sorry, I’m going to start crying – ‘my brother, piano player, moviemaker, magician and my grandson…’  It was the sweetest thing.  He saw something in me that I didn’t see.”

Abrams goes on to portray his feelings on Super 8 – “A lot of it is about hope and the idea that even during the darkest time; you find a way to move on.  It’s also about losing someone close to you and the idea of not having your voice, of being disconnected from the only people who might be there for you.  And it’s about using the moment to feel more than think – that sense of there’s something that can be good again.”

In a time when superhero movies are all the rage, The Dark Knight (2008) unquestionably rises above a sporadic mess of the not-so-good, the bad and the downright hideous but the kids in this movie are superheroes to me and so is Abrams… lens flares and all!

Never, ever lose your sense of wonder!  9/10.